You're so Vein

... you probably think this leaf is about you ...

 

Television Family

Television Family

Jimmy always pre-empted his alarm clock by 5 minutes. That gave him some bonus time to turn it off, and relieve himself before "Tiger Panther Cats" came on.

The fluorescents sparkled into his brain, as he sat in the dim deep blue light watching. The Tiger Panther Cats solved another crime in their robot final form. TIGER PANTHER CATS UNIIIIIIITE!

Beatrice rolled out of her bunkbed with a slumbering tumble and joined Jimmy. Pupils dilated, in a glazed smile, breathing out her mouth.

Commercials where the mommy makes breakfast, and daddy brings home the bacon, interspersed the new episode of "Possessed SD Puppets." The TV trays sat aside the rump-indented couch. The cats came to keep Jimmy and Beatrice warm. First Juniper, then Jalopy, then Juxtaposition, then Rumproast. Rumproast, was the most portly and slothlike of the felines.

Bill woke up and grunted, slithering along dust bunny hopping houseshoes. Grabbed the grey brown remote and put on the morning news. His posture like a teenager on their smartphone but his pot belly keeping him from getting that usual bend. Another trade from the Flying Hawks to the Swimming Goats. Jill Clingon was in trouble again accused of having sex in the Oval Orifice. "Them politicals is so 'rupt!" Bill patted Beatrice on the noggin.

Jane made breakfast. Instant oats on the tv trays. It was always that way. I don't know why. They Bill changed the channel to the morning cooking show, "Something's Burning!" [exclamation mark part of title not added emphasis]. Each of the hosts wearing frilly "World's Greatest Matron" aprons around their waists. One of the host's opined, "I sure does love serving my mans, Peggy Sue!" as she smiled with teeth that covered two thirds of her face black shark eyes staring at the camera.

After school Jimmy and Beatrice would put on the tube and turn on "Wee House on the Plains." Bill and Jane joined on that couch soon after. They snorted and weezed with fluttering neon vacancy sign eye balls. The couch creaked into the foundation of the floor. The cats piled on. You know when you're laundry is throw akimbo in a pile?

"This is a PBS actor drive. This may be the end of television as we know it. No one wants to act in our shows anymore." A violin was bowed slowly in a minor key. "We need more human flesh for other humans to stare at. I'm looking at you America!" The camera panned back and on the host's back was a gynormus vacuum.

"Don't make me turn this on... America." CLICK.

An airy whirlpool filled the screen. The television set started to shake. Screen shattered into shimmering shards. The suction engulfed the room. First their eyes pulled out of their noggins. Their noggins followed, and finally their lumpy behinds swallowed into the black hole in the television.

Jimmy and Bill and Jane and Beatrice. SLURP! Replacing the characters in Wee House on the Plains.

They didn't know how to act. They just sat on a couch as a family petting the famous television cats Dingus, Dipshit, Duderonomy, and Muffin. Drooling as they looked into the souls of those who watched them on the other side.